Not doing wrong

Be fore i started studying Buddhism, i spent quite a wee while trying to figure out the world(namely me, and i still am some of the time). One thing that turned my stomach was philosophies was when they said what to do and what not to do. I felt i had to free myself of my own mental restrictions which prevented me from doing what i wanted, and another set of beliefs dictating my action was the last thing i needed.

When I found Zen i found it refreshing that it wasn't putting more stuff into my head. Until then everything did, even the non-religios stuff like humanism had a set of beliefs, ideas as how to conduct your life. But, buddhism was different. Once i'd done a bit of reading up, and asked the guy who ran the group about the wheel of samsara and his reply was basically, "don't worry about that stuff".

This was increadably refreshing. I didn't need to think or believe anything, i could just do it, that is zazen, then not worry about it.

A while later i came across zen stuff that talked about moral conduct and not doing wrong, and stuff about regulating action(i can't remember the details but most of the stuff i've read originates through Nishijima and his students, Mike Luechford and Brad Warner). One of those things that i can recall was the koan about the old monk that was asked by a student what the buddhist truth was and answered "not doing wrong". The student was miffed and answered "a child could have told me that" and the master said "A child can say it but even this monk of 80 has difficulty practicing it".

At the time i didn't see how this fit in with what i understood of buddhism so let it slide into the back of my mind.

I think i understand it a wee bit more this evening. It's in a way being responsible for what you do.

Sometimes, usually when quite emotional i worry about everything. "What if i did this?", "Should i have done that?", "What will other people think if i do this?"(it's a bit cryptic cause the example is personal :))I start to think that i have to do whatever i think of to do. I don't know where i've got the analogy from, but in a way it's like junk food. We all know that it's crap, not that tastey and often comes with a heart attack garentee. But at some point we have to take responsibility for our own health, and stop eating it. A little less at first then gradually working it out of the diet completely. Such thinking as i mentioned is like that. It's addictive. It reinforces the idea of self and gives me some thing to feel sorry about myself for. But it's so damn unhealthy.

I suppose what i'm getting at is in away is that there is sort of regulation of action, and thought. Not in the way of "THAT ACT IS EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!" or "THAT IS AN IMPURE THOUGHT!!!" of forcing yourself to be a certain way cause someone says you should. Instead if junk food comes by, realising you don't have to eat it. Sometimes you will, but as you eat less of it you gradually realise on a deep level that it's not actually that nice, annd you naturally eat less and less.