A brief return

Its been years since ive written here, and im not sure if I can offer any insight anymore.

Zen practice has been haphazard at best and aikido non -existant for 6 years.

Well im back at them both and noticing I need to slow down, chill out and extend more and thought I might scribble here occasionally if insight strikes however briefly...... Heres hoping.

Looking outside myself

I've often heard it said in buddhist circles "ont to look outside yourself for happiness". Today it hit home again what this actually means.

Out of context it can sound like happiness is sitting somewhere inside you, if only you could find it's wee corner where it's been hiding and coax it out. "Survey says.. X"

Again, i've been looking for happiness outside myself. It's not that it's hiding inside my left ear, it's that i was defining my happiness by an external factor. In my case, as ever a woman. "If only.." and "When this happens..." always feature a whole lot in this.

In a way it's a deferment of responsibility, giving your welfare away so you can live in a wee dream land. I'm all to good at that.

Question is then, what's the other way? If that way leads to me being slightly obsessive, acting like a dumbass, and beating myself up over nothing, how should it be done? Real bummer is, only i can answer that one, big poo!!

More to Learn!!!!!

There i was thinking that i knew of all the diciplines that i would ever be interested in; Aikido, Zen, Shiatsu; then, i go for a Shiatsu treatment and it's something else entirely!! Amazing. Sei Ki. It has something to do with Shiatsu, definately ki work. Spontanoeus movement, expresion of original ki. It blew me away. FREAKIN ACE!

So, now i have one more thing to do with my time, more courses to take, and more info to fit into my head. wohoo!

Not doing wrong

Be fore i started studying Buddhism, i spent quite a wee while trying to figure out the world(namely me, and i still am some of the time). One thing that turned my stomach was philosophies was when they said what to do and what not to do. I felt i had to free myself of my own mental restrictions which prevented me from doing what i wanted, and another set of beliefs dictating my action was the last thing i needed.

When I found Zen i found it refreshing that it wasn't putting more stuff into my head. Until then everything did, even the non-religios stuff like humanism had a set of beliefs, ideas as how to conduct your life. But, buddhism was different. Once i'd done a bit of reading up, and asked the guy who ran the group about the wheel of samsara and his reply was basically, "don't worry about that stuff".

This was increadably refreshing. I didn't need to think or believe anything, i could just do it, that is zazen, then not worry about it.

A while later i came across zen stuff that talked about moral conduct and not doing wrong, and stuff about regulating action(i can't remember the details but most of the stuff i've read originates through Nishijima and his students, Mike Luechford and Brad Warner). One of those things that i can recall was the koan about the old monk that was asked by a student what the buddhist truth was and answered "not doing wrong". The student was miffed and answered "a child could have told me that" and the master said "A child can say it but even this monk of 80 has difficulty practicing it".

At the time i didn't see how this fit in with what i understood of buddhism so let it slide into the back of my mind.

I think i understand it a wee bit more this evening. It's in a way being responsible for what you do.

Sometimes, usually when quite emotional i worry about everything. "What if i did this?", "Should i have done that?", "What will other people think if i do this?"(it's a bit cryptic cause the example is personal :))I start to think that i have to do whatever i think of to do. I don't know where i've got the analogy from, but in a way it's like junk food. We all know that it's crap, not that tastey and often comes with a heart attack garentee. But at some point we have to take responsibility for our own health, and stop eating it. A little less at first then gradually working it out of the diet completely. Such thinking as i mentioned is like that. It's addictive. It reinforces the idea of self and gives me some thing to feel sorry about myself for. But it's so damn unhealthy.

I suppose what i'm getting at is in away is that there is sort of regulation of action, and thought. Not in the way of "THAT ACT IS EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!" or "THAT IS AN IMPURE THOUGHT!!!" of forcing yourself to be a certain way cause someone says you should. Instead if junk food comes by, realising you don't have to eat it. Sometimes you will, but as you eat less of it you gradually realise on a deep level that it's not actually that nice, annd you naturally eat less and less.

Admitting to being me

I noticed this evening the hope to be something other than i am. It's weird. It's not hoping to be someone else, but hoping to be what i think i am already. It's quite painful to admit to not being that image. It means letting go of what i think i deserve, the way i think the world should be. The thing is it's not giving up a belief like "oh Gary Barlow didn't have a successful career after leaving Take That, oh ok." It's giving up yourself, your actual self. It's extremely difficult.

The bummer is i never realise i'm defining myself like that, until the way the world goes takes it away from me. Does that ever stop? Is it possible to live in this world without having such adegree of attachment that it's scary when you have to let it go?

Ukemi and Co-operation in Aikido

The other day i found myself reading posts on aikiweb about ukemi (falling without hurting yourself). One person said that Aikido was not combative because of the idea of "co-coperation".
If co-operation in Aikido meant going "oh you want me to fall over? OK", and then leaping accross the mat, then yes, it would not be combative, it would in fact be pish.

However! The co-operation in Aikido is not that. It is the supportive manner of training present in any good dojo. An MMA instructor does not smash a beginners ribs in to make it combative, grr. Instead, while practicing strikes and combos the level is tailored to the student, gradually stepping up the power and difficulty as the student adjusts.

This is how it works in Aikido too. Techniques that i used to be able to do become harder everytime i practice with an instructor because they're making it harder for me. There's no point in smashing beginners into the mat, they won't learn and neither will you. Keeping it at the very edge of your ability is what works.

Admittedly i have come across Aikido dojo where they insist that i fall over despite the technique not working. These dojo exist in all arts, and unfortunately it takes a lot of effort to find good instuction, but it's worth it.

Ukemi comes into a simmilar vein. I've heard it said that it's the uke's responsibilitie to follow, to go with it. Admittidly it's stupid to leave your feet planted to the ground as your arm and body are taken away, you'll end up on your face, but it's the nage's responsibility to lead! The uke shouldn't move blindly like a rag doll, sacraficing his body to a technique. Someone in the street isn't going to fall about to your every whim, the nage has to take control so that the uke must follow to prevent themselves from falling.

So, why?

For this first post i'd like to make two points. First why i'm starting this little chat with myself. Well, i've been having a lot of thoughts about Aikido and Zen recently, but i keep forgetting them because my memory sucks, so i reckon writing them down somewhere where i can't loose it might help. That way i can revisit the ideas later and see how much jibberish i was talking.

Second, i was totally hoping to have a smart and witty blog title, so i thought "how can i sum up me and the universe in a short sharp way?" THoguth about ripples on ponds and ended up confusing myself silly so i gave up and went with this. Ah well, stupid action and all that.